What is the biggest relationship obstacle for your personality type?

No matter how much you wear your heart on your sleeve, or how sweet-talking you are, every one of us is likely to find we have challenges we need to overcome when it comes to romantic relationships. Let’s look at each of the biggest obstacles for each personality type! 

INFP - Idealising their partner

INFP’s have been learning how to romanticise their lives since they first began learning to walk and talk - it’s therefore no surprise that they usually place high expectations on their romantic relationships and can expect their partner to be nothing short of “the one”! However, many INFP’s can be prone to falling in love with the idealised version of someone, instead of who they actually are. This means when their partner fails to meet their high expectations, they may find themselves disproportionately upset, and assume the relationship is doomed. This can lead to unnecessary conflict or arguments, or even the premature end of a great relationship.

How to avoid this: Come to terms with the fact that no human out there will be able to read your mind and serve all of your needs, all of the time. Learning to communicate clearly your desires so that your partner has a fair chance of loving you in the way you want, as well as understanding that all of us have flaws, may mean your relationships are less tumultuous and are grounded in reality, not just fantasy!  

INFJ - People pleasing

INFJ’s are known for being supportive and caring deeply about those they love – however it is important this doesn’t come at the cost of their own peace and sanity. INFJ’s can struggle asserting their own needs and desires above the desires of those that they love, typically because the INFJ craves keeping a peaceful environment and wants to keep those around them happy. This can lead to the INFJ feeling unheard and result in a build-up of quiet resentment. This is what leads to the infamous “door slam” whereby the INFJ suddenly cannot take anymore and disappears without communicating what their partner has done wrong, which can often be a very difficult break-up to process!

How to avoid this: Understand that if someone is to love you, they would generally rather hear your authentic and genuine thoughts on a topic, even if it isn’t the same as their opinion. Setting boundaries with your partner and getting comfortable with not people-pleasing, may mean you feel more loved and accepted than ever before!

INTP - Difficulty expressing emotions

Whilst INTP’s natural state of mind is understanding how and why things work, the exception to this rule is in gaining an understanding of their own emotions, which can often prove quite difficult for them. In relationships, INTP’s may find it challenging understanding their new and perhaps intense emotions towards their partner, and even more difficult expressing them in a way that is meaningful to their lover. This could lead to their partner feeling unappreciated, or as though their feelings aren’t reciprocated. 

How to avoid this: Explain to your partner that you often struggle eloquently expressing your emotions, but reassure them that this doesn’t mean you don’t care for them and love them as much as they love you. Self-awareness and communication with your partner on this topic can help reduce any feelings of discomfort between you both. 

INTJ – Difficulty reading emotional cues

As highly intelligent and insightful as INTJ’s are, they can struggle picking up on cues for emotional support or love from their partner. The reason for this is that INTJ’s respect what is clear-cut, rational, and logical – and very often feelings and emotions are none of these things. This trait can be great for succeeding within business or careers, but can leave romantic partners feeling frustrated or misunderstood, when the INTJ fails to support them in the way they may desire.

How to avoid this: Take some time to understand your partner, respect that they may require more emotional support than you need yourself. Communicate with them that it helps you if they can ask explicitly, if this is the case, so that you do not have to look for clues or guess how they may be feeling. 

ENFP - Being flirtatious with others

ENFP’s are undoubtedly charming. Naturally out-going, most ENFP’s manage to reel people in with their effortless, personable charm and good humour. This is a real natural strength of theirs. However, when combined with their natural excitement for new things (otherwise known as ‘shiny object syndrome’) it may become problematic within long-term, committed relationships, if they allow themselves to get carried away in the performance of flirtation and entertainment, to the detriment of their actual relationship and commitment. 

How to avoid this: Find ways to keep your own relationship exciting and fresh, take frequent vacations together, learn new skills together, and find a way to bring excitement and variety into your partnership. This may curb desires to seek out what is new and novel elsewhere, and reduce feelings of jealousy or mistrust in your partnership. 

ENFJ - Dislike of conflict

ENFJ’s are often motivated and driven by making the people around them happy. They are king’s and queen’s of understanding the emotional needs of those around them and seek group-harmony in most situations. In relationships, this can be an obstacle if it interferes with their ability for healthy conflict. There are certain issues which should not be brushed-under-the-rug in favour of peace, as instead of solving potential problems, these will simply fester and get worse over-time, before you find the relationship is not working at all. 

How to avoid this: Get comfortable with practising healthy conflict and expressing how you feel about an issue. If you value your partner then you should value them enough to share your truths with them, no matter how uncomfortable it may make you feel temporarily. 

ENTP - Struggles with vulnerability

ENTP’s generally desire to appear competent and capable, which works well when they’re public-speaking or during debates with friends - however it can also mean they struggle letting down their guard and showing a more authentic, vulnerable side to their loved ones. Often ENTP’s perceive displays of emotion as a potential weakness, and may tried to hide this from their partners - causing partners to feel as though they do not really know them, and hinder their romantic intimacy. 

How to avoid this: Understand that vulnerability is a crucial aspect of most relationships, and by sharing this side of you, your partner will feel more comfortable being themselves around you too. This should allow you to forge a deeper and more meaningful relationship with your partner. 

ENTJ - Lack of empathy for others

Whilst ENTJ’s do care for their loved ones dearly, they may struggle showing empathy with partner’s who are looking for emotional support. Instead of always seeking practical and rational solutions to problems, it may be that their partner is simply looking for some comfort and empathy, in order to help them through a tough time. This does not come naturally to the ENTJ, who values efficiency and problem-solving more than emotional discussions. 

How to avoid this: Understand that not everyone values efficiency in the same way that you do, and that sometimes emotional problems need to be heard and listened to, before they can be overcome by your partner. Giving them a safe space to explore their emotions, may actually resolve the issues faster than if they hadn’t been given this space at all! Who knew! 

ISFP - Their unpredictable nature

Despite ISFP’s being incredibly thoughtful and typically intelligent, they tend to keep many of their thoughts and feelings to themselves. The result is that they often come across as unpredictable and a little mysterious to their partners, almost as though they can never be fully understood and their next moves are difficult to predict. This can lead to problems with intimacy and could cause friction within their romantic relationships - whereby the ISFP could be seen as difficult to understand and the relationship may feel quite volatile. 

How to avoid this: Practise sharing your intimate inner-world with your partner, you may find it becomes easier to share the more intimate and intricate parts of yourself over time. In addition, you can work on keeping your partner involved with how you feel by letting them know when you may need some space or some time alone, this way they can feel reassured and avoid emotional disconnection. 

ISFJ - Neglecting your own life

You will struggle to find someone who is as altruistic and selfless as an ISFJ. Care-taking and serving others comes naturally to them. But issues can arise when the ISFJ caters so much to the needs and desires of their romantic partner, that they neglect their own well-being and life goals. ISFJ’s may be prone to burning-out because they sacrifice so much for their partner, and potentially even resentful. This ultimately leads to an imbalance within the relationship, which overtime becomes less and less fulfilling for them. 

How to avoid this: You cannot pour from an empty cup! Take regular time to yourself, relax, unwind and put your own needs first. Make sure that you consider your own life-goals and needs and not just those of your partner, and take the time to process any big life decisions to ensure they are serving both of your needs. You will be able to give even more from a place of abundance if you look after yourself, instead of from a place of scarcity and resentment. 

ISTP - Difficult to get to know

ISTP’s tend to spend a lot of time in their head, figuring out how things work and function. The result is that they often appear aloof and distant, and may neglect getting too emotionally involved in their romantic relationships. This can cause their partners to feel emotionally disconnected and like they don’t really understand the ISTP, leading to a lack of intimacy and connection within their relationships.

How to avoid this: Tell your partner how you process the world, remind them that you being aloof isn’t a personal thing, and reassure them of your love for them. Perhaps you could consider regular date-nights without technology (ie. phones) so that you are making time for regular conversation and intimacy, without distractions. The right partner for you won’t mind your practical and distant nature, as long as they feel loved and reassured too!

ISTJ - Living life by a rule-book

ISTJ’s place a lot of value on tradition and rules, as they trust that societal structures are in place for a reason, and are worth abiding by. In relationships, this can mean that the ISTJ may find themself very resistant to change and reluctant to the natural growth and change that often occurs within healthy and long-term relationships. The result of this is that their partner may begin to feel stifled or even held-back by the ISTJ’s rigid outlook on life, as though they do not have the creative freedom to evolve and experiment, and the ISTJ may find that their relationships begin to feel out-dated or even stagnant. 

How to avoid this: Understand that there is more than one way of doing life and providing your partner with the flexibility to explore and evolve will only further the intimacy that you both share together, instead of creating a feeling that you may have out-grown one another. 

ESFP - Desiring being the centre of attention

ESFP’s, known as the Entertainers, take a natural role as the centre of attention within many scenarios. This can be an amazing trait for telling stories at dinner parties, or keeping the office entertained at work, however it can become an issue in long-term relationships. If the ESFP feels they are not receiving the level of attention they require from their partner, they may take this particularly personally and become disproportionately upset, causing conflict or “drama”. This may cause the ESFP to be perceived as needy or selfish by their partner.

How to avoid this: Practise sharing the stage with your partner and understand that at times your partner may have things going on that don’t need to involve you. Get comfortable with your own life, so that you can turn inward towards yourself during these periods of time, and don’t feel the need for as much external validation. This should also help you stop taking your partners need for space so personally and prevent arguments or conflict surrounding this. 

ESFJ - They need to be needed

ESFJ’s, like their introverted counterparts (ISFJ) are effortlessly altruistic and caring. In a relationship, the ESFJ tends to sacrifice their own needs, in order to feel needed and loved by their partner. This can become an obstacle when the ESFJ becomes dependent on the praise and recognition they receive by helping their partner and becomes somewhat reliant on the compliments and moral superiority they receive when doing this. If the ESFJ is giving as a way to mask their inner insecurities or feelings of unworthiness, their partner may begin to feel overwhelmed or exhausted, as tending to the ESFJ’s insecurities becomes tiring.

How to avoid this: Learn to love yourself, before you give to anyone else. Your identity and worth are not based on how selflessly you give to others or how much others need you. Accepting your entire character, even the parts you may feel ashamed of, will help you cultivate confidence and independence, and allow you to give from a place of love rather than need. 

ESTP - Impulsive and unpredictable

The ESTP is typically a known adrenaline-junkie. Always down for last-minute plans and trying out new activities, the ESTP can make for a really fun and free-spirited romantic partner. Issues can arise though if the ESTP lives so much in the moment, that they are unable to commit to long-term plans or provide a stable foundation for a relationship, because they are so busy seeking new adrenaline-rushes and thrills. This can cause their partner to feel that they are perhaps too chaotic or unpredictable to build a future with, and as though their relationship is secondary to the rest of the ESTP’s hobbies and interests.

How to avoid this: If you’ve found someone you feel may be worth slowing life down for, then take the time to find balance between excitement and stability. Incorporate fun date-nights and activities where you can learn new skills and perhaps meet new people, with slower and more intimate nights where you can focus solely on one another, instead of your surroundings. Learning how to balance these two should leave both of you happy and allow your relationship to flourish!

ESTJ - Their need to be right

The ESTJ values themself on being in control of the external world around them. This can be a great trait within business environments or at the office, however it may mean that the ESTJ struggles with admitting when they are wrong. In a romantic relationship, this can create a lot of frustration within conflicts, and mean their partner may feel emotionally abandoned in favour of the ESTJ fuelling their desire to win. It may appear that the ESTJ cares more about their ego being validated than it does the greater picture of their romantic relationship, leading their partner to feel upset and abandoned.

How to avoid this: Realise that sometimes an argument isn’t you vs. your partner, it’s you and your partner vs. the problem. You’re on a team together, so admitting to your own flaws and shortcomings and knowing when to apologise will help provide your partner with the emotional space and safety for your relationship to flourish, instead of perishing. 

By Izzy Williams